As you may have noticed from today’s workout, things are a little bit different with today’s workout. That’s because after almost six months of operation, it’s time to go in a new bold direction.
People in the CrossFit world tend to fall in two camps: those who are weighted down by “typical” CrossFit and those who are willing to try new things and advance this Sport of Fitness that we all love. Here at CrossFit Zenith, we fall into the latter group.
Really when you get to the heart of it, what’s CrossFit all about? Looking better, obviously. I mean sure, there’s usually some kind of “community” or whatever and people yell at each other to go faster and what have you, but we all want to be pretty. It’s important in today’s world to look your best and we all know what that means: skinny girls and men with big lumpy muscles.
I’ve spent the past six months doing intensive research into all sorts of different regimens and, like Greg Glassman before me, have culled through them all, separated the wheat from the chaff and I have come up with what will be known as SqWattsFit (TM) once I finish filling out all the paperwork. It’s based off of one simple philosophy: if people didn’t want to look like magazine covers, magazines would find models who looked the way everyone really wanted to look. In our free market society, it only makes sense that this would be the case. No one in their right mind would pay people to give them a false ideal of beauty, so obviously people are striving for that Photoshopped look.
Let’s talk about how the program’s going to be broken down. First, no more of this “one workout that’s infinitely scalable” crap. Guys can’t get jacked following that process and ladies can’t avoid looking like big bulky men. Because of this, we’ll have separate male and female workouts which will cover pretty much any body style you want to have.
For the male programming, I turned to the most obvious place to get good fitness and beauty advice: Hollywood. We’ll be following the celebrity trainers who know what the lady/gay dudes demographic is looking for in a man: big bulging biceps and teeny tiny legs. For the people who were at last night’s WOD, now you know why we got that massive shipment of dumbbells. I’d also like to thank Phil, Krystal and Alice for their help in getting the new wall of mirrors set up so everyone can check their curl form. We also got a big shipment of squat racks for those times we curl with a barbell. Today we’re working on some isolation supersets since I still have to get the racks assembled, but we’ll have those up and running soon. We know ladies want guys to be Incredible Hulks on Bruce Banner legs, and SqWattsFit (TM) is going to make that happen! We’ll give you that Shia LaBeouf look that makes all the girls weak at the knees.
Obviously, most women aren’t going to want to do the same programming. We all know that men don’t like strong, capable women and that any sign of independence is a huuuuuge boner-killer. With that in mind, I’ve developed a new program for you ladies based off of world class trainer, Tracy Anderson. Her stuff is pretty good but, being a woman, she’s obviously doesn’t know what guys like. For one thing, she has women lifting weights that are much too heavy. There’s no reason a woman should lift more than two pounds, since there’s usually a big strong man around somewhere to lift things for her. You need to keep your arms thin and straight, unbroken by any unsightly lines of muscle. When you get right down to it, guys are looking for narrow shoulders, flat asses and visible bone structure. SqWattsFit (TM) is going to get you there!
One of the big drawbacks to most CrossFit gyms is how stripped down to the basics they are. We’re punching that idea in the face and giving people what they want. At the end of the week we should have the tanning beds installed, since no one likes to see pasty pale skin. There’s a reason “jacked and tan” is a phrase that exists and there’s a reason I painted it on the back wall last night. We’ve also got an order in for a couple of saunas, since posing in front of the mirrors doesn’t always show off all of your hard work. You need to be able to sit around with your sweaty co-exercisers and show off all that hard work.
Lest you think we’re trying to completely pigeonhole men and women into one body type, we do understand that some people are looking for the exact opposite. With all of these tweenage vampires running around, some women have been fooled into thinking their men should be as thin and weak as they are. If you’re looking to score with those ladies, you’re in luck! You can just do the “Female” programming and we’ll have you sporting that Harry Styles look before you can say “What have I done with my life?” And I’m not forgetting you ladies either. We know there are some guys out there who like women with a bit of muscle showing and, assuming they haven’t finally figured out their latent homosexual urges, we can build you up to be that fill-in date by following the “Male” programming.
So there you have it: our first day in a new direction! Today we’re all going to be doing a “Male” workout, tomorrow we’ll try a “Female” workout, and then we’ll offer both at the same time. This is an exciting new step for all of us and we predict it’s going to be the next new wave of fitness. As you can see when you read every paragraph, we’re looking to make SqWattsFit (TM) “The First Letter in Fitness!” (TM)